Nex Benedict & Grieving Their Loss of Life
A Note for Trans Folks Processing Loss and Grief Right Now
Loss is rarely easy to process. This is especially true when the loss involves children and fellow community members.
The loss of 16 year old trans teen Nex Benedict is a tragic episode demonstrating the need for further acceptance and protections for our trans and LGBTQIA+ friends.
If you are experiencing the stages of grief in response to this loss, you are not alone.
A brief review of the stages of grief as created by Elizabeth Kubler Ross in her text “On Death and Dying”
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Bargaining
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
“When we lose someone, especially if we have had little if any time to prepare ourselves we are enraged, angry, in despair; we should be allowed to express these feelings.” - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross M.D.
The most important aspect of processing grief and loss is reaching out for support and not isolating yourself to process it alone. The pain of loss is eased through connection with community.
Even admitting to a friend in a text or over the phone “this loss is hitting home in a powerful way” or “I am struggling with grief right now and I am not sure what to do about it” is enough for your family, friends or coworkers to offer you an ear to hear your experience.
“There is such a phenomenon as group hurt, group grief. (People) who become socially, politically, or culturally conscious often find that they have to deal with a collective rage that seeps upward through them again and again. It is psychically sound for (people) to feel this anger. It is psychically sounds for them to use this anger about injustice to invent ways to elicit useful change. It is not psychologically sound for them to neutralize their anger so they will not feel, so they will therefore not press for evolution or change. As with personal rage, collective anger is also a teacher.
(People) can consult with it, question it in solitude and with others…collective rage is well utilized as motivation to seek out or offer support, to conceive of ways to impel groups or individuals into dialogue, or to demand accountability, progress, improvements. These are proper processes in the patterns of (people) coming to consciousness, of their caring about what is essential and important to them. It is part of the healthy instinctual psyche to have deep reactions to disrespect, threat, injury. It is a natural and expected part of learning about the collective worlds of soul and psyche.” – Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PHD.
This passage by Clarissa Pinkola Estes is written for those who identify as femme or female, but I believe it can be applied to all types of community. We collectively feel the pain when a young life is lost to ignorant actions based on fear and misunderstanding.
If you are experiencing anger or rage at the injustice experienced by Nex Benedict, you are not alone.
There are healthy ways to express this anger and allow it to motivate actions toward finding justice for the unjust actions taken against them.
We can also take this event as an opportunity to learn more about LGBTQIA+ folks and ask how to best support them at this time.
Seeking community, encouraging literature, and psychological support to help us wrap our minds around the concept of loss and death are powerful ways to engage actively in healing.
Some helpful texts in processing grief and loss;
“On Death and Dying” – Elizabeth Kubler Ross, M.D.
“Women Who Run With the Wolves” – Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PH.D
“When Things Fall Apart” – Pema Chodron
“Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief” – Joanne Cacciatore, PhD.
“Notes on Grief” – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
“On Grief and Grieving” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D and David Kessler
Other resources and education
https://www.ekrfoundation.org/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9887492/
https://19thnews.org/2023/01/trans-people-misgendering-death-certificates/
https://www.sad.scot.nhs.uk/bereavement/supporting-lgbtplus-people-around-bereavement/
https://www.scottishtrans.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/NHS-Bereavement-A-guide-for-
Transsexual-Transgender-people-and-their-loved-ones.pdf
There is a powerful need to also reach out if this act of violence against Nex Benedict is bringing up triggers of your own traumas and hardships experienced in relation to your gender identity. Please reach out to your friends and family or a licensed counselor to assist you in talking about these often hard to process emotions. You are supported, and you are not alone.
Until next time, stay safe,